I never really talked about this with anyone and I just wanted to tell the whole story somewhere. I spent a lot of time thinking about it by myself in my favourite place, the park with the swings. So last year I went for my yearly doctor check-up, I was heading off for university - so this would have been in August. Anyways, I’m not expecting her to really say anything beyond, hello, any questions, see you later. Instead she slows down where she’s testing, furrows her brow, looks at me and asks, “Kelsey do you feel that”. (She was doing a breast examination).
The minute she said that and got me to feel it myself, I just shut down. I just kept thinking.... “I have a lump in my breast....I have a lump in my breast”. I was not expecting to hear anything, especially not that. I just got told that I had a possibility of having breast cancer (at 19). I felt so bad for my doctor (who I’ve had since I was born so we’re on pretty friendly terms) because I just started balling on her. I could not stop crying, I’m pretty sure I was in shock. I ended up composing myself as best as I could so I could leave the doctor’s office without everyone staring at me like I’m insane. By the time I got to the car I had started crying again. I got in the car and cried the entire way home (freaking out my brother who - bless his soul - sang as silly as he could to make me stop crying), it takes about half an hour to an hour to get home. But I have to say, after that crying session I didn’t cry again.
I told my mother first, that summer we ended up working at the same place and I had to work the day I had my doctor’s appointment. I ended up walking past her and just quickly told her what happened. She took it a lot better than my dad. My dad freaked out a bit. And throughout the whole ordeal he asked lots of questions.
Now me, being the book reader I am, decided that if I was going to get breast cancer I was going to have to know what I was fighting against (figured I should be prepared for the worst). I researched everything I could. I knew about the possible other things the lump could be, I knew about the different types of tests I might have to endure, and I knew treatments for breast cancer. Like I said, after the first day of learning about the lump I stopped crying about it. I figured if I got cancer, God had a reason for it, there was something I was going to learn from this, so I accepted it. but after reading some of the treatments for breast cancer and their affects I got a little worried. Now, losing my hair is not the greatest thing in the world or being sick to my stomach often - I could handle that. But there are some treatments that put women in early menopause. One of the greatest gifts in life that I will ever receive will be my children. I know that adoption is always a possibility but I feel like losing the ability to birth my children would be hard for me to deal with.
Next step for me was getting an ultrasound. Because I’m a young adult, I was told that, my breasts are very dense so a mammogram would not show the lump as well as an ultrasound. One good thing about getting the ultrasound, the gel stuff is no longer scary cold. Weird thing about ultrasounds (when done on your breast), you are naked, waist up in front of someone you don’t know. I’m a little conservative, I think I’d prefer to know the person before I whip off my clothes. But obviously I’m aware that this is for my own good and I just have to suck it up. Point for the hospital though for letting it be a girl. Got the test results back a few weeks later and it “appeared” to be benign. But just because it “appears” benign doesn’t always mean it is. The picture given is an example of what it sort of looked like. So I got an appointment with a general surgeon and we set a surgery date to remove the lump. Oh, when I got the test results I also got the dimensions of the lump, 3 cm x 3cm x 2.7cm. Pretty decent size. Its smaller than a ping pong ball (a ping pong ball is approximately 4 cm). Anyways its big enough that I could feel it in my breast.
I think the hardest part for me during this was telling people. I mean how do you tell people that you might possibly have cancer. During the first part when I didn’t know what it really was I didn’t tell people because it would just freak people out and make them worry. I didn’t want them to worry if it was nothing. When I went for tests I waited to tell people until I knew more. After the test results I just didn’t know how to tell them so I left it for a while. Finally in December, a few weeks before my surgery I finally told some of my friends. I basically did the “blurt it out as fast as you can and act normal”. I had a normal conversation with them then threw it at them...not the best way to deal with it. Some friends I even just told over msn or text. And the only reason I told them was because I would be late coming back to school (surgery/recovery time). To be honest I don't know what sort of reaction I wanted from them, basically all of them just said "i'm sorry" and "keep me updated".
So I waited until my surgery date and went in. I wasn't really scared for the surgery itself but I was a little worried about the after part (the recovery). I wasn't quite sure what to expect, I mean they were taking a lump out and I wasn't sure how that would affect how it would look (would I have a dent in my breast?), and I wasn't sure how it would affect the insides (would I be able to breast feed when I have children?). The doctors answered my questions, for the most part they said everything would be normal. So I got put into a gown, got an IV put in me and my anesthesiologist (a guy) came to talk to me about what would be happening. He made me a little nervous because I really didn't want some guy seeing my breasts.
I got led to the surgery room, it was actually pretty creepy. It was a huge room with a surgery bed thing in the middle with a whole bunch of equipment around it and there were like 4 people in there (sort of like the picture). But I really have to give them credit, they made me feel at ease. They joked with me and let me keep my clothes on! They put me underneath a blanket that was nice and warm and started the knock out process. They didn't touch me until I was out, which made me feel so much better.
I woke up in a recovery room with tons of other people and I got a popsicle! Which I thought was hilarious, popsicles and surgery. When I woke up out of it I was pretty much awake awake and I was ready to go home. My breast felt weird but overall good. I spent a few days in bed, my parents wouldn't let me get out. It hurt a bit and there was a bit of bruising. I know have a funky scar. I would hear in the next few weeks (after the lump had been tested) that the lump was a benign fibroadenoma which is very common in women under 30. Best news of my life :D
So there is the whole story, for those who actually read the whole thing, I'm impressed. I know I wrote quite a bit and even if no one reads this I finally talked about it. It was a new experience for me and something that will let me relate to other women who are going through testing. I may not have had cancer but I had the scare of it, I know the fears, I know the thoughts that come up from it, I know the tests, etc. But now that I've had this lump, my doctor will be checking more regularly as it is said that people with benign fibroadenoma have a higher chance of getting breast cancer, my family also has a history of breast cancer. All I know is that if this is what God has planned for me then I will embrace the whole experience and put my faith in him.
